It only looks like coffee

Not a day has gone by since starting my career in the legal field that I have not encountered something noteworthy. Some days a client is the source of the chatter, but today, it’s a coworker.

First, let me give you a little background on the situation. In the legal field the “staff” is comprised of secretaries, legal assistants, and paralegals. As technology in the legal field progresses, the need for stereotypical secretaries declines. Attorneys are able to do more of their own typing and appointment keeping as well as scheduling. Most of the secretaries in my office are 45-65 years old. Basically, they are a dying breed. Among the secretaries in my office there is one in particular that really takes the cake.  

Meet Marlene. Marlene is from a small town outside of Birmingham. After knowing her for about 6 months I can honestly say that she enjoys being grumpy. She is one of the grumpiest people that I have ever met. She is a classic muffin top, dark eye liner wearing, redneck woman. She comes complete with 2 daughters, a live-in boyfriend and a boatload of emotional baggage.

Today, I learned something new about Marlene. While having lunch today with my other coworkers, Linda (a paralegal that works closely with Marlene) bursts through the door to the kitchen and tells us that she accidently took a sip of Marlene’s coffee. At first I thought to myself, although Marlene has a bit of a reputation for a “red” lifestyle, she is not the last person I would ever want to accidently drink after. As soon as Linda’s news was absorbed by the women around me, everyone had dropped their jaws in disbelief. Apparently, Marlene dips snuff. SNUFF!!! This is shocking! Marlene uses a cup, disguised as coffee and spits in the cup. Marlene thinks that she has been able to hide her TERRIABLE addiction from the rest of the office…NOT.

This snuff news also explains something that I noticed very shortly after I met her. One afternoon I was in the hallway and noticed Marlene walked out of her office with her purse in tow. I immediately asked “where are you headed? Home?” she answered “I need to go to the bathroom and I need my purse.” Well, I felt really noisy asking because clearly she was on her cycle. UPDATE: she was going to the bathroom to use her snuff!

Not only is Marlene a rebel in the office, but also after hours. Marlene frequents “the Rose”, a biker bar. She does not go alone. Leaving the live-in boyfriend behind at home, Marlene and her daughter Tiffany, go as a team. Aside from taking her 19 year old daughter to a bar called “the Rose”, they also bring along Tiffany’s illegitimate daughter, Kirsten.

Tattoos and Cowboys

Due to the fact that I had to move to a new city within two weeks of accepting a job offer, I was in a mad rush for a roommate. Typically I would be able to rattle off a long list of various qualities that I needed an acceptable roommate/apartment to posses. But, in this great time of need, I required only a few: clean, cost efficient, location.  I began my search where most people would look to buy tickets or an old sofa: Face book Marketplace. Naturally, this was not something that I take lightly, but I needed to be realistic. I came across Louise (name has been changed).

 Louise is 29 and works as a counselor at a university. She has two tattoos. I don’t know if Louise knows that I actually know that she has two tattoos, but I know. I am not saying that she is trying to hide them from me, but we have yet to discuss the ink. I found out about this news shortly after I moved in. Louise was out of the apartment and I was about to start my first round snoop. I walked out of my bedroom and made the sharp right into her room. I decided to start with the closet. I firmly believe that you can tell a lot about someone by their closet. I noticed a number of things right off the bat. Her closet was about 30% full of clothes. They rest of the closet housed her cat’s litter box as well as a suitcase, and other average storage items. I continued into the bathroom and that is when her tattoos were revealed. I looked above her toilet and noticed two sepia colored framed photographs. They were both pictures of her back showcasing her tattoos below both of her shoulder blades. One tattoo is of a Chinese symbol and the other is a flower.

She is very quiet but very nice. Louise is single. She is ready to mingle. Although she is an attractive 29 year old, she cannot seem to meet someone. Actually, she does not have trouble meeting people, just the whole idea of getting them to commit to her. I know this because I have evidence of a houseguest.

About three months ago I woke up one morning and stumbled into my bathroom (My bathroom is also the hall bathroom which is also considered the guest bath).  Right as I walked in, I noticed a clear plastic bag of toiletries. Now, a few things came to my mind. First, this was not even a “Zip Lock” bag it was the cheaper version that you have to press together and hope it actually stays locked. Second, among the typical toiletry items, the bag contained shaving cream and men’s deodorant. I immediately thought, “There is a man in this house”. I looked over towards Louise’s bedroom and her door was closed (she rarely closes her door) so I knew something was going on. I then left my bathroom and went back to my room only to return a few minutes later to notice the manly toiletry bag was missing. I left for work that morning without having a chance to interrogate Louise.

About three days later I decided to inquire about the mysterious toiletry bag. I calmly asked her “so, Louise did you have a house guest stay over recently?”  She replied “yes, maybe”. Pushing for more information, I asked “Was this a friendly sleepover or a friendly sleepover?” She then explained that the recent visitor was a friend from college that lives in Texas. He was coming through town on business and needed a place to stay. I knew exactly was what going on at this point. I smiled, walked away back to my room and I guess my own business. I now refer to him as the “traveling cowboy”.